Just where I'm at.

The morning of Christmas eve, I awoke to find a Facebook notification from a group of fellow adoptive parents within our specific agency. It's a top secret, official group where court dates, emigration submission status, and travel timelines are shared between waiting parents who have been matched. There is a lot of legal jargon used, which I don't always understand and frequently have to Google. There is also a ginormous spreadsheet we have access to and can compare our timelines with others' in order to make predictions. This last part, I'm sorry to admit, has been a source of disappointment and envy for me. I know comparison is the thief of joy, don't I?

The notification was that a family had received their emigration paperwork (EP) submission, which is the exact step our family is currently hung up on (feel free to see the flow chart below!). EP submissions are usually filed in batches and we were hopeful that one last batch would be put in at the end of the year - and of course, that ours would be included. This particular family's referral date was earlier than ours, but their paperwork completion date was only about a week ahead of ours...so, as in typical Beth-fashion, I just felt certain I would be getting an email to notify me of our EP submission. I was excited! What a perfect gift for Christmas eve!

A couple hours later, another family posted to the group that they received their EP submission as well! Nice! Things were trending my way!

I kept checking my email. Nothing but promos for last minute shopping. Checked our adoption portal (which contains all our paperwork and communications with our agency). Nothing new. Checking to make sure my phone ringer was on. No calls.

So Christmas eve progressed with me being distracted and growing more agitated as time passed.

By 6pm, I tried to make peace with the fact we were not going to get that call or email. Whether or not we made it in with the 12/24 batch, I wasn't going to find out on this day. We packed up our kids and headed to the Christmas eve service at our church where I felt like a pouting child the whole time. Not that I outwardly pouted, but you know...I wasn't happy and my mind kept trying to figure out why them but not us and if not today then when and what if it takes another month and, and, and.

I wanted to be present for my family and I realized my disappointment was ruining that.

I didn't wake up disappointed that morning. And I didn't wake up expecting an EP submission call. Instead, I just heard about someone else's progress and quickly attached my expectations to it. I think when you're 21 months into the process, you start looking for hope anywhere and everywhere. While there's nothing actually wrong with that, I should know by now not to set myself up for this.

The good part is that I still enjoyed my family on Christmas eve and Christmas day. I have to admit though, at the back of my mind, there was still a gnawing little bit of disappointment.

This season of life is very frustrating for me. It feels like nothing is in my control. We are waiting for the next step, then the next step, then the next....then MAYBE we'll know a date range of travel. We just found out last week that our home study expires and in spite of having an officially accepted referral, Korean courts require that the home study stays completely up to date. Now we are going through it and renewing each piece that needs an update, including doctor visits, financial forms, new insurance, job changes, and even another home visit from the agency! We can't move to Montana until we have custody of Micah and then we have to go through the process of transferring to another agency to do all our post-placement home visits. That is especially stressing me out. To point I have to tell myself out loud, "YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO THINK ABOUT THIS NOW." And, oh yeah by the way, Korea is back to mandatory quarantine for all travelers. So there is THAT to plan for.

How do you temper disappointment? How do you have faith without placing improbable expectations on yourself or your circumstances? How can you balance optimism with reality? How can maintain contentment while still holding space for your hopes?

I don't know how to conclude this blog but I guess I'll say that if there is something disappointing you or you have something out of your control that is just HANGING OVER YOUR HEAD, you're aren't alone. My December 26th resolution is two things: be gentle with myself (that means not getting angry with myself for the times I hope so hard that I get hurt and have no one to blame but me) and try to release my white-knuckle grip just a little (things are out of my control and that is OKAY, BETH).

If you read this, wow, you're the real MVP. Thanks for caring enough to be here. We love you and couldn't take risks like adoption or cross-country moves without a support net of people like you. When we get that EP submission, you'll be the first to know!

XO ~ B

PS I know that title is grammatically incorrect.