Glance and GAZE

I don't know about you, but I have a hard time accepting realities that don't align with my expectations. READ: my expectations are right.

Now, I always outwardly acknowledge the clear logic of reality with my brain and critical thinking abilities, thereby appearing rational to myself and those around me. However, it's my subconscious mind that tends to buck the parameters and establish its own. My brain's all like, "Yeah, that's true, BUT..."

A blatant example of this would be for my disrespect of Google Maps projected arrival times. Since I'm still gaining familiarity with traveling into Grand Rapids and the surrounding areas (not to mention the rural roads where we live out in Gowen), I depend on Google Maps for a lot! And it's proven itself to be dependable! Yet, I never accept the travel duration or arrival time: I think, "I can beat that." Sometimes, I do.

Sometimes, I don't.

Sometimes, I get a speeding ticket.

As we began our adoption journey with our agency, Dillon International, about 13 months ago, I've had many moments of, "We can beat that." Adoption comes with a lot of checklists. And most things, you can't check off before you check off something else. In other words, your checklist must follow a strict order. And that order TAKES TIME.

It's one thing to have ambition. As a family, we were motivated out of the gate to bring home a new son or daughter, brother or sister. That motivation has only grown over time. We ambitiously attacked the forms, appointments, and interviews. We gathered a trusted team to help us rally our financial and moral support. It's one thing to have ambition...

It's another thing to distrust your journey.

I can only speak for myself here, not for Paul or my family, but I have distrusted our journey many times, even before we signed on with Dillon.

When we left Teens For Christ in Lima, I had moments of certainty right alongside moments of distrust. When we left Camp Adventure, I had major distrust. Like, sky-high level distrust. When we relinquished our hard-earned foster care license, thereby surrendering our adoption hopes, I just had major anger.

I'm using distrust in its verb form. This infers there is an object. Earlier, I used the phrase "distrust your journey," and while I meant what I said, there is a much deeper implication - at least for me. The journey is not the actual object of my distrust, but my faith that God authors my journey; that He authors it with purpose.

I'm not here to write something lengthy about the sovereignty of God or free will or whatever. But I will say, that in these times of distrust, I have found myself agonizing over circumstances out of my control, overthinking scenarios out of my control, and having to talk myself through realities that do not align with my expectations of what SHOULD be. I've spent a lot of time over the last 4 years or so coping with depression and, new to me, anxiety. I know I'm not alone in this and that is why I share. Probably, that discussion is for a different post. I think what I'm getting at is that there seems to be a pattern of when I'm especially feeling out of control of what's happening around me (or the illusion of control), my thoughts and focus plummet into disorder. And once I'm there, it's hard to get out.

Recently a wise friend shared with me a simple concept that helped me pull my mind out of the disorder and bring it back to level ground. When my mind is on level ground, my thoughts can realign themselves with truth. The concept is GLANCE and GAZE. We may not have any say over our circumstances, but we do have the choice over what we will fix our eyes upon.

Alicia, my friend and a long-time foster/adoptive mama, is the one who pointed me toward an episode of a podcast (The Be Cast) on which author Tracy Hurst discussed her struggle with chronic illness. Through illness, God showed her that self-reliance is a myth. Tracy shared some scripture that has come to carry powerful meaning for me. I will share it here in both NIV translation and The Message version. I hope it will speak to you, as well. So will I allow myself to simply glance at the chaos of the world, while I gaze upon the Author of my journey?

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Matthew 6:33-34 NIV: "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

--- The Message: "Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."

Romans 4:5-8 NIV: "Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind governed by the flesh is de

ath, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God." --- The Message: "Those who think they can do it on their own end up obsessed with measuring their own moral muscle, but never get around to exercising it in real life. Those who trust God’s action in them find that God’s Spirit is in them - living and breathing God! Obsession with self in these matters is a dead end; attention to God leads us out into the open, into a spacious, free life."

It's simpler than we think. Thanks for reading! - B